We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
