She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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