u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
