And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
