You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
