seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
