what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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