I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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