The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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