I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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