felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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