it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
should my penis look like a turkey
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
