There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
