Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
