yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
