Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
