ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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