guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
