I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
