she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
