Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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