i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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