you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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