we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
