she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
