I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
