So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
