worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
