I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
