Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
