If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
