Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
