If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
