So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
