The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
