in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Let's get the cat blown out
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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