the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
