I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
