mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize