I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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