Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize