No awkward lesbian experiences without me
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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