I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
