I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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