New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
