i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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