***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
