What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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