you guys were way drunker than both of me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
