white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
