i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize