he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize