You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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