i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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