Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize