So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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