I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
