So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i think i have two assholes
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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