Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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