You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
